Light Will Always Be Greater.

It’s August 22nd 2020. A year since losing my hubby to suicide and this has been something in the making for a very long time. I’ve dreaded it, actually. There have been so many other times I’ve wanted to share at least a brief tidbit of my story, but always found myself too afraid. Afraid of having to deal with adversity, afraid of putting everything out there for others to read, afraid of hurting my cubs by the truth and putting them in a position where they carried even more of a stigma and burden, and lastly... afraid to let it all out and feel every bit of emotion that was going to come with it. Next month is suicide awareness month and I really want to share in hopes that it might compel others to share their story too. I most likely won’t post this today, but I want this blog dated for today no matter when I post it.

Today marks a year that my hubby took his life. It still feels surreal. Grief, in itself, is already such a capricious thing, but grief after the loss of a spouse to suicide? Plain and simple, is a disarray of mayhem, and this last year and the story leading up to my husband’s suicide definitely takes the first place trophy in my book. I’ve put a lot of thought into how I would want this to read, and/or what I should or shouldn’t share and I’ve overly stressed about what it may look like to people or who it may affect by sharing. It’s such a heavy story and there have been so many secrets kept, so many things left in the dark, and I’ve avoided sharing because of fear and because trying to summarize the last 3 years of my life, and the story of losing my husband to suicide has been the hardest.. It’s incredibly scary, but the fear is hindering to my healing and I need to let that go. So for any one who reads this and knows exactly who and what I’m talking about, please read this knowing I have no intention to place blame, point fingers, or hurt anyone involved. I just want to share my story. This was my experience, and I am genuinely sorry if it hurts or changes anyone’s opinion or perspective on things, but here goes.

I would say the story started when my husband Aaron got a job at our church. We had just recovered from a really hard time in our marriage and we felt like God was leading us to better things and the way he got the job felt divinely orchestrated ( if you’re a jesus freak, you’ll understand what I mean) We were ecstatic and really hopeful and everything just kind of, fell into place perfectly. He ended up working for the church for almost 4 years as director of facilities. He really loved his job and was also working towards a degree in theology. He wanted to teach about Jesus and travel as a pastor or evangelical speaker depending on what God had planned, he just knew he wanted to be in ministry and teach. He wanted to share what it meant to truly know Jesus, understand God’s love, and what it actually meant to walk in Holy Spirit. He was so passionate about it and as he showed that love and passion at work, he was eventually given the opportunity to lead in men’s ministry. He was beyond honored and excited. Like a child on Christmas morning, and if you knew my husband, you know what I mean and know how gifted he was and how perfect that opportunity could have been for him. God was moving big time in our life, especially in his, and it blows my mind at how the enemy still crept in unexpectedly.

This is where the story gets rough. After being given the opportunity in men’s, he began working very closely with, and ended up having an affair with the director of operations at our church that started late 2017. I won’t mention the church or any names, but anyone who knows us will probably know who and what I’m talking about. The affair unofficially became “an affair” (at least for her) on November 19th 2017. We had baptisms that day and they were baptizing together. Aaron and I had already been fighting about their friendship and them working so closely together for months. It wasn’t the first time that their friendship made me uncomfortable. I remember the humiliation that day as I was sitting next to my mother in law in the back of the sanctuary, as the screens came on and I saw them together in the baptism tub, sharing such an intimate moment together. My heart sank and I got up and walked out. I couldn’t believe that he was okay with it, knowing how I felt. I also couldn’t believe that the church allowed it, I didn’t understand how they didn’t see the wrong in that. My heart was broken and if we weren’t already fighting about their “friendship” it was even more so now.

Fast forward a couple weeks after that, he had to go into work on a Friday (which Fridays were usually every one’s day off) to work on some stuff for Christmas. She happened to be there too and was helping him on a project and when I found out she was there, I was livid and it started a fight and when he got home. After that fight, he turned very cold towards me for pretty much the entire month of December. We had little moments here and there when we would try to talk things out, but something had changed in him, and he ended up walking out on the cubs and I in January 2018. He said he needed some space and time.

I would say that was when the nightmare officially started. January 2018 was a hard month. He became one hundred percent a different person. Was already mean and cold, but was also hot and cold with me as far as our marriage and family. He also started drinking heavily and started smoking marijuana. Just a different person. Seeing him that way was heart breaking. It was so hard to watch after seeing how Jesus had transformed him, and seeing how he went from being so on fire for Jesus, excited about ministry, to someone who wasn’t even sure he wanted anything to do with Jesus anymore, but God did something in me that month, that year really too and I chose to stand in the gap for him and for my marriage. I remember having SO much faith. I prayed, and prayed hard. I was on my knees and my face praying daily for him, for the church, and for her, even though I wasn’t positive that there was an affair going on. Aaron saw it and it softened him and I think because it softened him, we were able to “work” on our marriage together too. He was still at the house about ninety percent of the time and even though we were going through one of the toughest seasons of our marriage, we got to know one another in a way we hadn’t been able to in a long time. We talked about everything. We would bbq almost every day and after we would put the cubs to bed, we would spend time together like we hadn’t in a very long time. I knew there was always something he was hiding, but the conversations we had aside from what wasn’t being said, were changing something, and I will cherish those conversations forever. As difficult as it is to look back on now, I’m so thankful for that time. We talked several times about him coming home and there was always something that held him back. So, I just waited. I knew he would tell me eventually and I genuinely felt at the time that God was preparing me for when that happened.

This next paragraph will be incredibly hard for people to read and I just want to reassure everyone who does read this that it’s not intended to hurt anyone, and I’m sorry that it will. I have no absolute proof; I am only speaking from my experience and what I went through, the things that I saw and that were said during this time.

In June 2018, the woman Aaron was having an affair with left the church unexpectedly. When he brought it up, he was so upset and shared with me that she was asked to sign an non-disclosure agreement and paid to walk away from the church quietly because she wanted to file sexual harassment for an incident that happened between her and our lead pastor during a mission trip earlier that year in March 2018. (Please keep in mind that this is purely what was said to me, I have no proof or absolute validation of this) Aaron was passionately furious about it, and it didn’t make sense that she trusted him so much with information that could potentially get her in legal trouble if she signed a non-disclosure agreement, or why he was so upset about it. I feel like it was then that I knew for sure that there was an affair. Everyone was confused about why she left and shortly after, the lead pastor took a pretty long sabbatical. When Aaron told me what had actually happened, I was heartbroken and in disbelief. The church, and leadership especially, was supposed to be a safe haven for me and my family and at this point, it was far from that. It was all so much to wrap my mind around and I struggled with all of it.

That time was all such a whirlwind, so much happened in between. I heavily suspected the affair and any one I spoke with made me feel I was either crazy or that I needed to be meek and not make a fuss, and that made me nervous to be more assertive. I was also really afraid to make a scene because Aaron wasn’t doing well, and I was afraid for him to lose his job. So much was on the line. I remember one specific time I spoke with someone in leadership who knew how hard I was fighting and praying for my marriage. I wanted a meeting about the situation and the words they used hurt me deeply, “Don’t derail the progress you’re making in fighting for your marriage over an assumption.” I know they meant well, but it was frustrating that my idea of an affair was so far-fetched that it would be hard for people in leadership to accept that an affair was happening right in front of them and they had no idea. Knowing what I know now, I also wonder if it was because there was already some questionable things going on and my making a fuss would bring things to light that people were trying really hard to keep in the dark. I don’t know for certain, these are only my opinions, but I do know that both she and my husband and obviously the lead pastor, were highly respected, and people thought it was silly that I felt so uncomfortable. I also spoke with her on several occasions and she always played it off so well, there was a time in the beginning of everything that I even felt comforted by her, she seemed so kind and reassuring. She was going through a divorce with her husband at the time (which should have been an obvious clue) and when I would send her prayers, we would sometimes talk about the struggles we had and encouraged each other. It still makes my stomach turn to think about. So twisted, and it honestly still hurts my heart so much. I don’t understand that mindset. I genuinely wanted to believe there was nothing going on, but it was so strong in my gut. And all I could do was pray because I felt like no one would sincerely hear me out or address my concerns, and I was too afraid of repercussion to push harder. So, I just kept praying, kept standing in the gap and kept fighting for us until Aaron finally, officially came home in July 2018, and that was when he told me.

When he finally came back home in July 2018, he told me that he had an affair, but didn’t initially tell me it was her, even though I knew. As frustrating as it was, I decided to be patient and just wanted to be a safe place for him to open up honestly when he felt ready to. I thought it was all over, he said it was over and was trying to seek Jesus again, so I knew it would only be a matter of time before he told me the truth about who it was. Two weeks later, August 2018, he called and said that she had reached out again and that he wanted to sit down with me to tell me the truth. It was tough. Even knowing the truth, him confirming it that it was her, the director of operations, the face on the screen on Sunday morning announcements… hurt so much. He said that she called and said she still cared about him, and that he struggled and was confused, but that he wanted our marriage and wanted to make things right with me and with Jesus. I think he meant it, but I knew that he was probably telling her different and that he struggled. Despite the struggle though, he wanted to come out with it at the church to have more accountability. He wanted help because he struggled letting her and the whole thing go. So, he did. August 22nd, 2018 we both prayed hard as he went to work knowing he was going to have that meeting. We prayed that it would go in our favor and that the church would be forgiving and willing to help. (I’m shaking as I’m typing this out) He had the meeting, and from my understanding the lead pastor didn’t attend. However, shortly after the meeting, Aaron was working in what we called “The Studio” at the church (a second, smaller sanctuary) he called me and was upset and nervous because when the lead pastor heard the news, he looked for Aaron, verbally and almost physically attacked him about it all, then drove off in rage before Aaron could explain anything. Aaron was then was called into the office and given his last check. The next day we were notified that the lead pastor had attempted suicide and was in the hospital in critical condition, and then passed August 24th, 2018.

Aaron felt like a lot of it was his fault, he spiraled after that and there’s a lot that I won’t get into but we eventually lost our home, separated again and almost got divorced… and in January 2019 we decided to try again only after he had been going to church and was willing to start an affair recovery class. It wasn’t easy, we moved an hour away from everything and I lost pretty much my entire support system. I fought, he fought, and we fought hard. We found a church in our area and a counselor who was incredible, and there were some really dark and hard moments, and there were so many times that I felt like she was still in the picture, but he denied it and I was trying to trust the process. It eventually got better, but there was still a lot of up and down. We had a big falling out in June 2019 because of her that could have ended badly, and the only thing that saved the situation at that point was that I documented everything, including every escalation with him. I’ll talk about it another time, and maybe when I release my book (which I plan to) I’ll go into more detail, but that was probably one of our worst fall outs, and I think he felt really guilty after it. I was also pretty done at that point and felt stuck. I think he saw that too and it changed something in him. He worked so hard in counseling and on our recovery after that.

Things seemed to progress consistently finally, everything was going well, and I was starting to feel hopeful again. August 2019 came, he was really stressing on the pastor’s anniversary of passing, and he still carried a lot of that guilt and guilt from everything else. He was also worried that she would reach out, but I saw how hard he was working on himself and I was so proud and tried my best to support and encourage him that week. We were trying to prepare for triggers and the painful memories as that week approached. I remember praying and reaching out to all our support asking for prayer for strength, we were nervous. We had hope though and we were excited that it seemed like there was finally consistency in our recovery and we could see healing coming. Everything seemed like it was going well. The night before he took his life, we had our best counseling session yet, and we had a really good night at church. We also made dinner plans with friends for the next day. He was hopeful and I’ll never forget what his demeanor was like. Just happy. Happy and excited because we had such a good day. Even the morning of, he was so sweet. It’s hard to write about, but I remember crying joyfully after he left for work that morning because it all felt amazing. Then throughout the day, something changed. He was triggered, and our finances were stressing him out and his demeanor changed drastically. He went from being sweet in the morning to angry and stressed and just wanting to be left alone. His behavior was very much like how it was when she was back in the picture and I got worried. I asked him and he said that I didn’t need to worry, but he was angry that I had asked. I remember he was so intense, and I became angry and worried. I called him close to the end of his workday and asked if I could pray for him. He let me and we prayed, but even still, getting off the phone I felt anxious, so I texted him and asked him if he was sure there wasn’t anything I needed to know and his words were, “No, every time. Just forever an adulterer and a liar.” That was the last I heard of him. I don’t want to talk about the rest of that day until I release a book, but those words haunted me for a while and that ended up being the worst day of my life.

I will never forget the trauma following those messages and that phone call. I felt guilty for a long time for the last text he read from me, but I’ve come to learn to give myself grace and remember that what I went through with him had me conditioned that way and that I couldn’t help but feel that way given his behavior that day. The whole thing came as a shock to all of us. I had no idea that he was in that dark of a place. None of it still makes sense, but I’m trying my best to learn to let go of the things I can’t change or understand. I still wonder if she reached out that day, or what it was that triggered him so badly and I think it’s something I’ll always wonder and just have to let go of.

It hasn’t been easy. The last few years have been an insane roller coaster of ups and downs. I was hurt deeply by the church when the affair came out and they chose to let Aaron go, especially after others in leadership made mistakes and there was support. I didn’t understand. Then a year later when Aaron took his own life two days before the anniversary of the lead pastor’s passing, I was hurt by the church even more. The church didn’t acknowledge Aaron, his passing, or my family in any way. I wondered if it was because a lot of people in the church still felt that Aaron held a lot of blame for the lead pastor’s suicide the year before. I don’t know for sure, I just remember feeling sad and brushed under the rug, but tried to let it go. Then a little over a week later, a pastor from another church at a Calvary had also taken his life, and the church acknowledged and honored him and his family. It didn’t make sense to me that the church wouldn’t acknowledge or honor someone who was their own, but did for a pastor from an entirely different church. I had hoped that the church would step up and hold themselves accountable for the wrongs, but so far nothing. It was silent as far as what happened to my family. I did receive a beautiful card from staff who knew him, which I am thankful for. There were also so many people in the congregation who knew Aaron and loved him for who he was when he was on fire, and because of that, the cubs and I received SO much support in that way and I’m honestly so incredibly thankful. So I’ve tried my best to let it all go. Because even feeling like I was brushed under the rug by the church, God made sure we were taken care of and I’ll always be grateful for the abundant support and help we did receive.

I’ve worked really hard not to carry so much blame. I’ve also worked really hard on letting go of the hurt and urge to point fingers and find justification for what happened, and although I’m not quite there, it has gotten better. All I can do at this point is share what I’ve been through in hopes that it brings about change in how churches view and care for, not only their church staff, but families of church staff too. Especially marriages. There’s such a strain on marriages in ministry, and there should be more support. What happened to us and our family, to the lead pastor and his family, the church, the congregation, and anyone else involved, should not have happened. Two amazingly gifted and anointed men in ministry took their lives and their family and a huge congregation have suffered greatly and unnecessarily. Such an awful ripple effect. I lost my husband and my whole life has quite literally been turned upside down. We lost any hope we had for our marriage, a life I/we fought so hard for. Ultimately, my cubs lost their father. I think that hurts me the most. They struggle without him, they need their daddy. He absolutely made his own choices, I understand that, but we lost a beautiful and gifted person who despite his darkness brought so much light and laughter into our lives. There should have been more support, more openness, more honesty, more vulnerability, more accountability and more open arms on both ends; and less secrets, less desire to protect reputation, less fear of “congregation emails”, less bias judgement… less of a lot of things. I could honestly go on.

My story is still so hard to wrap my mind around, and I genuinely want more awareness so that what we went through doesn’t have to be anyone else’s story. It’s hard to accept the reality of the last three years and how it’s been one nightmare after another. And insane to think that I’m still standing here, still fighting, still trying to find my joy and peace, and still believing that this world is so much brighter than the darkness that can surround it sometimes. I would LOVE to give this triumphant story of how this last year has played out, but what I can say, is that we are still here. Taking things one day at a time, fighting hard and dealing with every single curve ball that has come our way the best way we know how. There has been a lot of pain, A LOT of anger, a lot of confusion, and a lot of fear, but there has also been so much joy and positive change and growth. My perception has changed, and even in the struggle, I have a new love for life that I didn’t have before, and in that I find strength and healing. We still have a long way to go, I know my story, Aaron’s story, the pastor’s story and everyone else’s story who was involved can and will be used in a huge way to help others. I know it will bring awareness to a lot of issues in ministry that aren’t really talked about or even thought about. Because regardless of ministry, being a pastor, being in church leadership and being a believer, people are still people. We are all still human and make mistakes. We all have struggles and need a community of love and encouragement. We all need strong boundaries just like anyone else, no matter what position we are in. We all have a story to tell, and EVERYONE’S story and truth matters, everyone’s voice matters, the emotions we all feel are valid, and no one should ever feel like they have to carry such heaviness alone or like they can’t be open because fear keeps them silent. So please, if you are weighed down by your story, let it out and don’t be afraid. It really isn’t worth it. Your life is precious, and I hope that we as people can learn the beauty of vulnerability and open honesty. Despite the ugly in this world, there’s still so much more beauty and light, and we shouldn’t be so afraid to share our darkness. There will always be open arms in every circumstance, always. The right people will always receive your story, the right people will always support and encourage you, and that’s all matters. We were never made to carry weight alone, and we definitely weren’t made to stay in darkness. We were made to flourish and live an abundant, authentic life. As awful as my story has been, I’m grateful that I can at least say that I am learning how precious life really is because of what I went through, and I genuinely hope that what I’ve been through can be a positive light for someone else in their struggle one day.

Light will ALWAYS be greater.